Tourette's and his mean spirited buddies have taken their toll on me today. 

For the past 2-3 weeks, Skipper's tics have slowed down. They have been almost unnoticeable. This is the first time in 5 years that we have has a time like this. Part of the diagnostic criteria is that the patient can not have been "free" of tics for longer than 3 months. 3 months tic free?!? We would throw the biggest party if we could go 3 months with out tics. We have never gone that long. 

However, being tic free, seems to open ones eyes to the other co-morbid issues.

For what ever reason, not that there has to be one, the tics are coming back. With a punch. Lots of head, neck and shoulder stuff. It is just sad to watch it. He cannot focus well while reading or drawing, because his head is turning to the side and he has to tap his chin on his shoulder.

He is having a hard time focusing on the here and now. He tends to get wrapped up in the things on the calendar 2 weeks away and can not function today. He is such a black and white child that it is making things difficult-for all of us. He does not get sarcasm. It just hits him in the forehead and falls to the ground. We are finding we have to very literal with him.

I think the hardest thing is realizing that there are just some things he is just not going to "get". We have to teach it.  

I want things to be easy. I want things to be fair. I want things to be "normal".

I want to just go and do and not worry about him or how others will respond to him or how they won't respond to him. 

There is a new diagnosis that is floating around out there, that is being spoken of softly. I am tired of diagnoses. I am tired of testing and wondering and worrying. I am trying to remind my self that if this diagnosis gets added that really it changes nothing.  

On the flip side of that coin though, it changes everything.

I am a 'need the facts' kind of girl. If I have the facts, we can map out a plan and attack it head on.  

I am afraid of the facts this time.

I am afraid that is reflects on me..yea I know, what a stupid place for pride to show itself, but I am afraid what people will think of us. What will they think of a family where 3 out of the 4 kids have some fairly serious issues. What does that say about me. What does that say about my husband?

Special needs families tend to be secretive. We want people with to think that there is nothing wrong or that we are just gifted at doing it all. When in reality things feel crazy most days and you feel like there really isn't anyone who would understand. So when you ask, we will tell you things are great and fine. 

Unless you happen to run into me in the bathroom at church and you ask and it all just spills out. 

Part of the reason that I started the homeschool co-op is so that families like ours can have a place to belong. My prayer is that First Class can be THE place for special needs homeschoolers. Call it selfish on my part, but it is what it is.

I have nothing profound or deep to say tonight. Just some thoughts from a mom who wished she could wave her magic wand and make it better for everyone...everywhere.